Is This All?

I’m just testing to see if this blog is still functional. It’s been years since I’ve added an entry. I’ve lost a mother, a house and all it’s contents in a fire, and my cousin who was my best friend all since I’ve last written.

I was committed civically and involuntarily to a psych ward a few months after Mandi died. That was the straw that broke my sanity’s back. I have much to share, which I’m looking forward to doing. Like telling you all the types of behaviors my neighbors witnessed that would get police attention. Ultimately, it was the police department that filed the petition for commitment.

Treatment. What a joke. Oh, I was committed for mental illness, FYI. Treatment is a joke. They don’t treat a thing. They detain you, feed you, take your vitals and that’s that. Some treatment. And everyone there is treated like a drug addict or alcoholic. For the majority, not the mentally ill. But those are other blogs I hope to use to entertain you.

Until then, we will see if this gets even one read. Thanks all!

Tricky Things: Plagues and Cures - and Profitability

Honesty - the cure for the plague in society



RISE UP PEOPLE!  We must discuss goatees on women, deserving cancer for being a dick, and all the other reasons we're perfectly insane! A logical, non-judgmental empathy could bring world peace. ~ text



5 Core Proofs We're All Lying Cunts

Recognizing what is an honest diagnosis of our own motives is limited.  So, it'll never happen that enough people grasp honesty to the point of curing society's only plague.  The root of every conflict on the planet, no matter how minute or grand.  Someone, somewhere, was not honest with someone and shit went bad.  It could be a revolution; if only it wasn't more than 2% of the global population that "get it." 

White Rabbit and JULIE davise

"The trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency depends entirely upon a clear notion of the truth that the liar and deceiver wishes to hide." Hannah Arendt

 

When things become convoluted; when deception and manipulation are abundant; when trust becomes extinguished – we lose our way.  We lose our truth.  We lose certainty and confidence, and we cannot maintain temperance.

A blatant lie here, a little white lie there, deception without known motives everywhere; and, we are left with skepticism, judgement, and a lack of what we thought was reality.

I once read that the opinions of others have no bearing on one’s reality.  I don’t believe that can be true.  Opinions inadvertently become the influences of our environment.  What is that influences our attitudes carries the burden of altering our reality.

A weary eye.  A closed heart.  A wall built. A division of me from all.  The why of you; the scenarios of reason’s possibilities; the question – to what end?; the revealing truth of you – it is truly self-indulgent desire.  I cannot contribute.  I cannot feed you.  Because I can see you.

Justifications of nobility are always lies.  Nobility needs no defense, nor does it require justification.  When your actions and words are motivated by nobility, justifying them – defending them, destroys the purity and renders nobility dead and tells your lies.

I see your post designed to manipulate my ideas.  You think you’re subtle.  You think I don’t know what you fail to accomplish.  You are unaware you are failing, because you think I’m blind.  You think you’re sneaky and conniving.  You are not.

The insult to my intelligence, and my moral character you must possess – it is laughable.  Your belief you know me so well; your confidence that your posts will move me, change me, lead me to what you try to manipulate my thoughts to conclude; these speak of your own weakness of mind and spirit.

You wanted what was never yours.  It never will be.  Whether I am gone or whether I am present, that which you seek to steal you will never possess.  You live a delusion.  Your daydream is fiction.

I gave you what you wished to create in me.  I mocked your existence through your own tactics.  I never wavered.  Ridiculous that you believed “it was working.”  Laugh at you we did.  Played games with you we did.

We will keep on keeping on.  And you will still be a joke. 

Linda Lily and the Oh Bitch You Wary!

What I Wanted to Share

Because of unfortunate circumstances revolving sisters and brothers being unable to allow dignity and respect to flow throughout the grieving and preparatory process for Linda’s service, neither you, Allen, or you, Shawn, or even any of the other family members were gracious enough to join together were able to take the necessary time to reflect on their loss and then put those deep and heart-wrenching thoughts into words to share with you, their family, or even just to say them aloud to the river as it flowed passed.

My regret that your mother, Shawn, and your wife, Allen, was robbed of the beautiful service and beautiful words she deserved has me deeply upset and I offer my sincere apologies to you, Linda, and to the all of the angels in heaven who there to receive your soul and witness your family’s struggle and inability to make peace long enough for the love and beauty I had hoped for you, as I feel you deserve nothing less.

To you, Allen, Shawn, Chris, Jimmy, Tony, Fred, Kathy, and Tiffany, thank you deeply for taking the risk you knew would be involved by agreeing to all join together to commemorate your mother and grandmother – and for Tiffany, your surrogate grandmother, and by the permission and touching gesture from Allen, my surrogate mother.  I acknowledge readily that none of you know who I am, or at least didn’t know who I was until the last few days past us by.  I’m certain my presence and domineering behavior was unsettling and perhaps, in your minds, I was stepping over bounds.  It is with deep regret I acknowledge this and validate your thoughts.

Unfortunately, I in know what feel I did any of those things.  Although I can agree I am domineering, that is my nature and that is what get things accomplished, like getting your mom cremated in time for everyone to hold her and receive her back into their arms.  In the area regarding my perceived tendency to overstep my bounds, I unapologetically reject your perception.  For over 20 years, and I am being generous as to avoid feeling as old as dirt, like your aunti (lol!), I have been there with Shawn, and momma and dada through the worst times they’ve had. 

I’ve been there to see Tony, Kathy, Scott, Paul, and even some of the nieces and nephews (which is beyond heart breaking) fail to even try to help when they needed it most.  I never failed them.  I was not always able to travel to see them, I was not always able to fly Shawn to see me, but I guarantee I did everything I ever could at every opportunity – AFTER you failed your own parents.  AFTER Shawn, momma and dada exhausted all of their other options, they would could to me.  And I never said no.  So, perhaps you didn’t know me until this week, and perhaps you don’t believe I have any business sticking my nose in family business, but Allen will assure you, I AM family, and have every right to have said the things I did and to have behaved in the manner I did. 

Linda is a most amazing soul and is finally being blessed and rewarded for the suffering she experienced on this Earth in her human form.  She was the best human she knew how to be.  She was the best mother she knew how to be.  And none of any of your problems are anyone’s fault but your own.  And in the words of Linda herself, “Grow the hell up and stop blaming everyone else for your problems.”

To be clear, the urns I purchased as gifts that ended up with Kathy and Fred were actually chosen for Jimmy and Christ as they were most loving and deserving of that bit of their grandmother I could give them.  However, because it was tearing Shawn apart, I altered my gift arrangements and allowed her to give those urns to Kathy and Fred.  Thank you, Fred, for your appreciation for a gift that wasn’t even intended for you.  Those were very personal items that I chose with a lot of love and consideration for Jimmy, Chris, Tony, Shawn, Allen, and Cam.  Because in all the years I’ve been a part of this family, THEY are the only ones who have returned the love and kindness shown to them by Linda.

Linda, please take this group apology and allow only the love they feel and the light within them to penetrate where you are.  Help give them the vision they need to embrace that light and to reject the anger and blame and wasted time.  I love you like a momma, but nobody loves you like Shawn. 

The love from your husband, and my new dada, isn’t even something I know how to touch upon.  It is so great and intense, I will leave that for him to send to you as he wishes.  You are an amazing spirit, and I have no doubt you will make an amazing guardian angel.  Love always, your family.

 

Everybody’s out tonight, as if waiting for the fireworks at midnight.

But I won’t see the stars, and I won’t see the light, cuz I’ve been hiding in the shadows.

But, I’m gonna leave this year behind, and we’re gonna sing Ol’ Lang sign

Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new year.

Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new year.

You’re not the only one who’s ever been afraid of fighting.  No.

For what they believe, for what they can see, they are hiding in the shadows just like you and me.

Now I’m gonna leave this year behind.

Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new year.

Hope we will keep us braver than we’ve ever know.

 

When Suffering Grows Roots

She did not move, because only immobility could hurt more than motion.  The woman held herself still because to move might lessen her suffering, and that she could not bear.  For her, only pain had meaning. 

~ altered quote by Mathew Stover

I thought I should stay right here.  I anchored my trunk with the roots of paralysis.  The keys to the Universe I thought I should offer up to the keepers of the Earth.  The view of the living and breathing beauty that spans before me should sustain the light and life inside of my being.  I should not need to move on from here.  I should not need to be the keeper of these keys.  I should rest my weary soul and shattered heart.  I should live with only my eyes, and I should only see what is beautiful, for that will sustain this level of devastation.

I should let the destroyed parts of me petrify.  I should become wooden, and rooted, and as old as the land.  The creases on my face should gracefully become rutted, grooved bark.  I should be a weeping willow.  I should be a most beautiful tree.  I thought.

But I bought a new umbrella, today, as mine came to wear thin in the place I took roots.  The parts of me that hardened, the paralyzing anchors that rooted me, the pain I knew that comforted me, have been misplaced....or perhaps stolen....or perhaps shed.  I am the keeper of the keys.  I think I shall move.

Darkness Delivered on Starlight

"Love is the closest thing we have to magic." - The Internet (lol)

Those eyes that blazed

 pierced right through me
Those words she wrote 

screamed to an ancient place 

inside my soul

She woke up the beast within never to sleep again

Her being became electrified

and the particles of fire and life

emitted from her like a silent,

terrifying, beautiful storm
inside its horror I hid

She woke up the beast within never to sleep again

And her silver tongue 

danced on my skin

and penetrated my mind

She was magical

She was fire

She woke up the beast within never to sleep again

She was darkness and antimatter

 delivered as an angel on starlight
I watched them fall; 

those dominoes of men
Her gaze and wisdom their death

She woke up their beasts within; never shall they wake again

The glory of her heavenly light

punishing and blinding

left only her darkness to see
She was magical
She was fire

She woke up the beasts within -- some she kept, some she watched die

She was magical

She was fire

She was darkness delivered on starlight

That Sweet Abyss

"I must be a mermaid, Rango.  I have  no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living." Anais Nin

Here I wish to hide
At the bottom of the sea
Where silence drowns my angry mind
And lulls my aches to sleep

Here I wish to die

At the bottom of the sea

Where tears won't flow for they go unseen

And in stillness I will find my peace