What I Wanted to
Share
Because of unfortunate circumstances revolving sisters and
brothers being unable to allow dignity and respect to flow throughout the
grieving and preparatory process for Linda’s service, neither you, Allen, or
you, Shawn, or even any of the other family members were gracious enough to
join together were able to take the necessary time to reflect on their loss and
then put those deep and heart-wrenching thoughts into words to share with you,
their family, or even just to say them aloud to the river as it flowed passed.
My regret that your mother, Shawn, and your wife, Allen, was
robbed of the beautiful service and beautiful words she deserved has me deeply
upset and I offer my sincere apologies to you, Linda, and to the all of the angels
in heaven who there to receive your soul and witness your family’s struggle and
inability to make peace long enough for the love and beauty I had hoped for
you, as I feel you deserve nothing less.
To you, Allen, Shawn, Chris, Jimmy, Tony, Fred, Kathy, and
Tiffany, thank you deeply for taking the risk you knew would be involved by
agreeing to all join together to commemorate your mother and grandmother – and
for Tiffany, your surrogate grandmother, and by the permission and touching
gesture from Allen, my surrogate mother.
I acknowledge readily that none of you know who I am, or at least didn’t
know who I was until the last few days past us by. I’m certain my presence and domineering
behavior was unsettling and perhaps, in your minds, I was stepping over
bounds. It is with deep regret I
acknowledge this and validate your thoughts.
Unfortunately, I in know what feel I did any of those
things. Although I can agree I am
domineering, that is my nature and that is what get things accomplished, like
getting your mom cremated in time for everyone to hold her and receive her back
into their arms. In the area regarding
my perceived tendency to overstep my bounds, I unapologetically reject your
perception. For over 20 years, and I am
being generous as to avoid feeling as old as dirt, like your aunti (lol!), I have
been there with Shawn, and momma and dada through the worst times they’ve
had.
I’ve been there to see Tony, Kathy, Scott, Paul, and even
some of the nieces and nephews (which is beyond heart breaking) fail to even
try to help when they needed it most. I
never failed them. I was not always able
to travel to see them, I was not always able to fly Shawn to see me, but I
guarantee I did everything I ever could at every opportunity – AFTER you failed
your own parents. AFTER Shawn, momma and
dada exhausted all of their other options, they would could to me. And I never said no. So, perhaps you didn’t know me until this
week, and perhaps you don’t believe I have any business sticking my nose in
family business, but Allen will assure you, I AM family, and have every right
to have said the things I did and to have behaved in the manner I did.
Linda is a most amazing soul and is finally being blessed
and rewarded for the suffering she experienced on this Earth in her human
form. She was the best human she knew
how to be. She was the best mother she
knew how to be. And none of any of your
problems are anyone’s fault but your own.
And in the words of Linda herself, “Grow the hell up and stop blaming
everyone else for your problems.”
To be clear, the urns I purchased as gifts that ended up
with Kathy and Fred were actually chosen for Jimmy and Christ as they were most
loving and deserving of that bit of their grandmother I could give them. However, because it was tearing Shawn apart,
I altered my gift arrangements and allowed her to give those urns to Kathy and
Fred. Thank you, Fred, for your
appreciation for a gift that wasn’t even intended for you. Those were very personal items that I chose
with a lot of love and consideration for Jimmy, Chris, Tony, Shawn, Allen, and
Cam. Because in all the years I’ve been
a part of this family, THEY are the only ones who have returned the love and
kindness shown to them by Linda.
Linda, please take this group apology and allow only the
love they feel and the light within them to penetrate where you are. Help give them the vision they need to
embrace that light and to reject the anger and blame and wasted time. I love you like a momma, but nobody loves you
like Shawn.
The love from your husband, and my new dada, isn’t even
something I know how to touch upon. It
is so great and intense, I will leave that for him to send to you as he
wishes. You are an amazing spirit, and I
have no doubt you will make an amazing guardian angel. Love always, your family.
Everybody’s out tonight, as if waiting for the fireworks at
midnight.
But I won’t see the stars, and I won’t see the light, cuz
I’ve been hiding in the shadows.
But, I’m gonna leave this year behind, and we’re gonna sing
Ol’ Lang sign
Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new
year.
Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new
year.
You’re not the only one who’s ever been afraid of fighting. No.
For what they believe, for what they can see, they are
hiding in the shadows just like you and me.
Now I’m gonna leave this year behind.
Dry your eyes, wipe your tears, cuz this is gonna be a new
year.
Hope we will keep us braver than we’ve ever know.
