2 Intentional Moves

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” 
― Federico García Lorca

The keenest of you, dear readers, will know what that means regarding this writer.  And, I will have to say sorry.  I am sorry that the inferred weakness above is what's within me; however, I have this new-found, publicly admitted love affair with honesty.

To tackle this truth, I have made several intentional moves.  I am not stupid.  I am not blind.  I am not in denial.  But I am being silent about things that scream inside of me.  Aside from this blog, I will not talk about this bullshit with anyone, any more.  It's not worth anyone's time.  If, on the other hand, you've chosen, of your own free-will, to read this blog, that's on you.  You knew what kind of mess you might be stepping into!  By the way, please, feel free to comment and share if not only for my amazingly genius use of the Oxford Comma.  What was I saying?

Oh, yeah!  I was talking about how I have decided to calculatingly overcome my ridiculous, rash, and thoughtless heart.

1.  Move the fuck away from this God forsaken town!

Not only is rent more than twice that of Fargo (my new destination come hell or high water...more than likely, high water....thank you red river valley), but that never-ending, childish, hopeless wish of things being what they once were cannot exist so energetically when 5 hours away.  And, thanks to the universe above, under, around, and in us....my family, and even friends from those times that make them lifelong, are there.  God bless family and lifelong friends*.

2.  That's it.  I'm a one move kind of gal.  :)  Although, shutting the fuck up about it to people when in person has definitely helped, as well.  Feel free, lovers and haters, to tell me to SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT if I EVER bring it up.  It needs a rest for fuck's sake.  I should make a #3.  No more blogging about it.  But, I'd lose all of my readers.  They eat this heartache shit up!!!

Good night.  And, you're welcome.

*To my most dear, true, and lifelong friends in this piece of shit town I'm leaving, you know I love you from the tips of my toes to the depths of my soul.  But this blog isn't about you, you egotistical brats!  Love you!  Lol!       

Top 5 Reasons to Read These 10 Reasons

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you're heading." Lao Tzu

Everything I know that you need to know, because everything I know is invaluable and the only things worth knowing:

1.  I have no idea who Lao Tzu is or whether or not he/she actually said what I quoted.  I'm assuming it's a he, because women in the culture of Lao Tzu name sake types aren't worth listening to.

2.  I stole the picture quote from the internet and find the birds in flight to have nothing at all to do with the quote.  But, people think birds flying is somehow inspirational. 

3.  Going five days without blogging makes me feel sorry for my readers.  Afterall, I am all knowing and waking up to my blogs is the only reason some of you live.  So, my apologies.

4.  I make numbered list blogs because I read somewhere that Americans are too lazy and stupid to read real content.

5.  I added a quote and a picture because I read somewhere that if you don't have a picture and quote to catch the attention of lazy and stupid Americans, they won't read your blog.

6.  When I am worried that neglecting new blog posts will decrease reader activity, I make up bullshit to talk about just to have something active in my blog overview stats.

7.  I should have stopped at 5 bullet points because more than that causes a lack of interest in the ADHD minds of Americans.

8.  I definitely shouldn't keep adding items to my list knowing that 5 is too many for most of you, but I have international readers who can probably handle it. 

9.  The friends I keep and the subscribers to my blog totally get what I just said and probably laughed more than once.  I thank you.  You are my true audience.

10.  The stupid Americans I've made fun of the entire post don't get why #9 is an insult.

God bless.  Goodnight.

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The Cell Phone Disaster

Okay, 

this is another handwritten entry I found from August in that same notebook I found "Diarrhea of the Mind."  Again, not new feelings, so don't go getting all emotional and concerned.  If I had had a blog, I would have included this:

You owe me proof.  You need to earn me back!  Why do I do this?  Act so desperate when you are the one who fucked up?  Bullshit!  You owe me proof.  Show me.  Earn my love.  Earn my dedication.  So arrogant.  So in control.

Yet I beg for your attention.  I need and crave you.  I live/eat/breath you.  I obsess over you.  You are all I think about.  Daydream, wonder, worry, panic, love, admire, need, hate, hold in contempt, lust after.

I live hanged, suspended.  My old life gone.  My new life out of my reach.

If I turn on my phone to see nothing from you, I'm crushed.  If I leave it off and you're trying to call, I hate to miss it.  But you deserve to wonder like me.  You deserve to be in the dark, ignored, neglected.  So shove it!

I can turn it on.  What if you're still ignoring me?  I should expect it.  Should find it comforting because you are the same.  Did you ever ignore HER?  Highly doubt it.  I'll take a pill.  Drink a beer.  Smoke a smoke.  And go to bed.  Then, I'll turn it on...but not check it?  Yeah. Right. 

But, it's my alarm.  And, it's school/work tomorrow.  And, Emma's sick.  Needs to go to the doctor.  But, you don't know.  We can't talk enough to keep up.  It's too much neediness for you.

My phone.  My connection to our discontent.  My pills.  My beer.  My cigs.  Blinders and forgetful gifts.  Numb my desire.  Numb my fear.  Numb my terror.  Just need your support.  Wish you could give it.

My therapy - writing.  Every text now just an entry for no one.  Every frantic desire to contact you, now nonsense on paper.  No structure.  No audience.  No response needed.  No answer expected.  No pain when the notepad stays silent.  No jealousy that my notepad is busy talking to HER.  Paper and ink just for me.  Mine.  It cannot deceive me.  It doesn't care to look at her.  Talk to her.  Wish for her.  Daisha.  If I write enough, can I leave it on the paper and erase it from my mind?  No.  I cannot.  but pretend I will.  Pretend I must.  Or give you up.

I want you beyond imagination.  Why?  Please, why?  I guess I go with it.  Hiding my neediness.  But, weren't we already there?  We tried that.  It didn't work. 

Diarrhea of the Mind

This gem I found in a notebook from August.  The pages were handwritten and well before I even considered a blog.  These are not renewed feelings.  These are old feelings I'm sharing now:

Hearing from you is comfort to my soul.  I've been madly in love with you since time began.  You are the one.

Wished for so long.  Gave up.  Then you come back to me.  I'm dreaming.  I'm being tricked.  I'm being blessed.  I have faith.  I have no faith.  I trust my God.  I question the truth.

My mind goes crazy.  My imagination plays tricks on me.  I'm insecure.  I'm not good enough.  You'll start to hate me again.  You'll love me kindly for almost losing me.  You'll take me for granted.  You'll have female friends behind my back. You'll be honest.  You'll deceive me.  You'll love and protect me.  You'll desert me.  You'll cherish me.  You'll neglect me.

To start over.  To abandon everything, to embrace what's new.  To be equally madly in love with each other.  The dream come true.  It can't be true.  It must not be real.  I want it so badly I can't understand it's happening.

It's amazing.  It's terrifying.  To trust after intentional deceit.  To believe you won't do it again, you're sorry you did it before.  To give you my heart again.  It makes me nervous and it feels like I'm going to throw up.

And HER.  Pretend I don't constantly wonder if you're still texting HER?  Pretend you didn't try so hard to keep her in your life?  Say to let it go.  Never to talk about it.  Pretend it never happened.  Pretend you didn't love her.  Believe you never had sex.  Believe you never kissed.  Believe the world is flat.

Couldn't even tell her you chose me.  She told me she'd leave.  You talked her into keeping a friendship.  You said I misunderstood.

Now it's all on your terms.  On your time.  No allowing me to be mad still.  No allowing me to be begged to forgive you.  No you begging me to take you back.

Just - it will happen - but not how you want.

That is not new.  Just like it was.

But be happy.  Be confident.  Be patient.  Don't text.  Don't call.  Leave him alone.  But don't seek anyone else.

Dumb girl.  Weak girl.  Deceived and broken girl.  Fix yourself.  Don't be weak.  Don't ask for him to heal what he broke.  It never happened.  Leave it.  Move on.  New day, same emotionless man.
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Neglect and Laughter - 2014

Happy 2014, for what it's worth!  Reflecting back to last New Year's Eve gives me a renewed sense of liberation and optimism for my future.  Though I've been lost in thought, pain, anger, confusion, and just down right struggling, I have "seen the light."  I was miserable last New Year's Eve.  I was in an unhappy (to say the least!) relationship full of resentment and neglect.  Gack!  No wonder I left.  So, yes, feeling much more upbeat with those memories freshly renewed in my mind.

You may be expecting me to bore you with my New Year's resolution(s), so I will. 

1. I will continue to be honest even in the face of likely discomfort and probably misunderstandings. 

For instance, if I tell you I think you're boring and can't pretend to be interested, and you start to cry because you think I hate you, that's your problem.  You are boring.  And I probably do hate you.  So, whatevs! 

2. I will be more alert to when lending an ear is needed, and I will flap my jaws less. 

Unless you don't have anything important to say, then I'll talk, because I'm better at it.  And you're just a whiner.

3. *Takes deep breath*  I will eat healthier, exercise more, drink less caffeine, drink less alcohol, lose weight, gain weight, read more, write more, facebook less, pay more attention to my kids and less attention to my devices, quit gambling, quit smoking, watch less porn, skydive, travel the world, try new foods, smile more, say hello to strangers, volunteer more, save more, spend less, find a job, quit my job, pay my bills, cut up my credit card, get a credit card, buy a house, buy a car, get a life...

Yeah....I'm not really doing any of #3.  That's what all of you are already doing.  Good luck!  And, may old acquaintances be forgot, cuz you're old, and can't remember shit.  Happy New Year!