Saturday, November 16, 2013

Please, no! Not another gluten blog!

Yes, but not just any gluten blog! It's my crazy-ass gluten blog! Might be fun.

Top 3 reasons this shit is pissing me off:

1. "You're so vain" - Carly Simon

The fact that having a small patch of red irritated skin on my face can keep me from drinking my daily beer (you have no idea!), has opened my eyes to my own vanity. The beer did, however, win out one night. Drank that six pack like I was straight out of the desert! Decided after that, well, you're already going to have a rash, so you might as well enjoy yourself and have pizza, and a sandwich, and some cookies. Vanity has since taken over, and after four days of zero gluten (do we really trust our ingredient lists?) my gluten binge outbreak is finally disappearing.

2. I'm frickin' starvin' up in heeeyyaaah!

Since this is a recent discovery, I have yet to become an expert in all things gluten free.  More exactly, I have yet to become an expert in all things gluten.  That shit is like an evil bacteria in almost everything I love! The more days that pass, the more I learn about exactly how hungry I will become before I break down, admit it, and start being suzie homemaker with rice flour cakes and millet flower cookies. Sigh. I'm barely maintaining normalcy as it is! Now I have to drastically change the way I cook and eat?  Getting ... weak ...so....hungry ...and lazzzzy!

3.  Monsanto and Obamacare

Okay, I won't get up on a soap box about Monsanto. You can read all about them by searching #evilempire or #playinggod or, perhaps, #geneticallyalteredfood. For any reader unfamiliar with Monsanto, I blame them for the mutant version of gluten that is actually in our food supply today. I mean, I can't think about health issues from my food supply! The only thing I know about obamacare is that you will be fined if you don't purchase a plan. My plan was to be lazy and just let them fine me. But, now, with Monsanto ruling the world, I'm going to have to educate myself on obamacare.
Damn it all!!!

In conclusion, if I don't kick this Monsanto engineered gluten habit, I will suffer from an internal struggle: taste buds versus vanity, not only will I need a psychiatrist, I will need a dermatologist. And I don't know if obamacare covers Monsanto related illness!!! Someone find me that contract.

Obama twenty twelve!!!

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