Let me be brutally honest, unapologetically superficial, and unrealistically idealistic. In other words, let me blog!
After being asked several times what it is I'm looking for in a man, I decided I should probably figure that out. What a novel idea to make this venture in dating about what I want!
(Thanks for the nudge, guys from dating site who have asked. Let me spend an entire day obsessing over it, writing and rewriting until my hand seizes up and falls off. I'll get back to you.)
Disclaimer: Dating site Laurie is delicate with her approach to honesty. Blog Laurie is a cunt.
1. In the beginning... you must be hot
If you are an attractive-to-me Caucasian American over the age of 30 who is taller than 5'9" and live in ND, congratulations! You are granted chat status. If you are remotely interesting and elude to a date being in my near future, I may even accept your offer to text your phone. This chat status is only good for 48 hours after which you will be kicked to the curb if you haven't asked me out.
2. Jumping hurdles - drinks anyone?
If you are willing to meet at a bar-and-grill type venue for a couple drinks and nothing more, you've passed hurdle one. If you've made me laugh and have understood my jokes, you're even closer. If you've made zero refrences to fucking me or exchanging naked pictures, you've crossed the finish line to drinks with me.
3. The elimination round - do not pass go. Do not collect $200
No gamers, sports freaks, avid hunters/fishermen, bikers, men who want children, men without children, conservative Republicans, religious zealots, atheists, addicts (recovering or otherwise), porn lovers, men who listen to talk radio on the AM dial (see conservative Republican), sexist racists (see conservative Republican), or men who want to get married.
4. The bonus round - moving beyond drinks
If you've survived my already ridiculous list of requirements and eliminators, you can now play the bonus round. If you smoke weed but are not a pothead, if you meditate, or if you use one of my own wise-cracks against me, you've solidified date two. If you do all three of those things, you'll likely get laid on date one. If you do none of those things, take me home James. Goodnight! Better luck next time.
5. Let's talk business - future projections
Shit's about to get deep, so put on your waders. (If you actually own waders, see #3.) This is the true blue, unrealistic, comprehensive list of what I'm looking for in a man beyond numbers 1-4. And I mean a real man, a man worthy of my loyalty and dedication, a man worthy of my children, a man worth sharing the rest and best years of my life.
Rocks my world sexually - I have unforgiving expectations in this area and honestly believe this will never happen. If I find a man who can do this, then I can look further.
Has a close relationship with his family and children - note: must have children.
Is financially stable and established within the community.
Is open and honest without prompting or prying.
Interacts easily with strangers.
Anticipates the needs of others and acts on them.
Takes pride in his role as the man of the house and motivated by that pride to perform "man duties."
Offers compliments to strangers as well as love ones.
Is a sharp dresser who wears Cologne.
Shows obvious pride that my kids and I are his.
Is sincerely interested in my children's lives.
Is my strongest ally and constant defender.
Perhaps there is no man who fits into my mold of perfection. Perhaps I will live out my days as a single woman. Perhaps I am too picky. But I'm hoping that the one requirement I don't have, the obvious and expected need I readily sacrifice, will allow just enough space for a man to survive my list and be my life companion. That one thing you didn't even notice I didn't require? Love.
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