What I See in the Mirror

I sit here and stair blankly at my iPad, my Galaxy Note S II, my laptop, my TV, whatever is in my view.  My thoughts have taken me prisoner.  Even now, I stare at my blogger page without certainty of what will develop.  What haven't I already said?  What haven't I already dramatized? What haven't I already felt, thought, said, wrote, believed, expressed, forced, or grasped for?  I've been on this track.  I've told this story.  So, why am I STILL here?? 

I look at my reflection in the mirror and see how the sorrow and humiliation and embarrassment have aged me.  I look terrible.  I force a smile.  I tell myself that I love that beautiful, tired, spent woman I see.  I do love that broken, beaten down, and completely lost woman I see.  I do.  I feel compassion more than you know for what she's been through.  But I don't know how to reach her.  I wish to scream out to her to just MOVE!  Yet, I know already she would not hear.

My eyes used to be blue and sparkle with mischief.  My face once had vibrancy and life.  I've grown thin and am now the shadow of who I once was.  How I became so lost in my mind I can't determine.  How I allowed this depression to squeeze the life out of my eyes I can't explain.  I am not this weak.  I don't let these things happen to me.  This isn't how things are done.  Yet, the reality that I am this weak, and that I did let these things happen to me, and that this is how I'm doing things embarrasses me.  I don't want to be this way.  I don't want to be so weak that my body reflects my despair. My eyes are black and my face is drawn and tragic.

I am left ashamed for letting self-pity swallow me whole.  I am embarrassed that I don't know what to do or how to do it.  I see what you see.  I am not blind nor am I in denial.  What do you see when you look in the mirror?   

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