This gem I found in a notebook from August. The pages were handwritten and well before I even considered a blog. These are not renewed feelings. These are old feelings I'm sharing now:
Hearing from you is comfort to my soul. I've been madly in love with you since time began. You are the one.
Wished for so long. Gave up. Then you come back to me. I'm dreaming. I'm being tricked. I'm being blessed. I have faith. I have no faith. I trust my God. I question the truth.
My mind goes crazy. My imagination plays tricks on me. I'm insecure. I'm not good enough. You'll start to hate me again. You'll love me kindly for almost losing me. You'll take me for granted. You'll have female friends behind my back. You'll be honest. You'll deceive me. You'll love and protect me. You'll desert me. You'll cherish me. You'll neglect me.
To start over. To abandon everything, to embrace what's new. To be equally madly in love with each other. The dream come true. It can't be true. It must not be real. I want it so badly I can't understand it's happening.
It's amazing. It's terrifying. To trust after intentional deceit. To believe you won't do it again, you're sorry you did it before. To give you my heart again. It makes me nervous and it feels like I'm going to throw up.
And HER. Pretend I don't constantly wonder if you're still texting HER? Pretend you didn't try so hard to keep her in your life? Say to let it go. Never to talk about it. Pretend it never happened. Pretend you didn't love her. Believe you never had sex. Believe you never kissed. Believe the world is flat.
Couldn't even tell her you chose me. She told me she'd leave. You talked her into keeping a friendship. You said I misunderstood.
Now it's all on your terms. On your time. No allowing me to be mad still. No allowing me to be begged to forgive you. No you begging me to take you back.
Just - it will happen - but not how you want.
That is not new. Just like it was.
But be happy. Be confident. Be patient. Don't text. Don't call. Leave him alone. But don't seek anyone else.
Dumb girl. Weak girl. Deceived and broken girl. Fix yourself. Don't be weak. Don't ask for him to heal what he broke. It never happened. Leave it. Move on. New day, same emotionless man.
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